


If I'm Lost, Then How Can I Be Found

by mariette



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Lup/Barry, Background Taako/Kravitz, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, IPRE, Post-Canon, Taz spoilers, the twins have a much needed conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 19:56:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariette/pseuds/mariette
Summary: Lup has been noticing how Taako's changed since Story and Song. They went from talking about literally everything, no secrets between them, to him hiding everything he felt from her. She needed to fix that. She knew Lucretia could fix that.





	If I'm Lost, Then How Can I Be Found

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I just finished TAZ Balance and I have a lot of feeling about the IPRE crew and their bond. So here's a lil oneshot of Taako and Lucretia trying to work their way through shit.

There were a lot of things Taako was grateful for that he flat out refused to tell anyone else about. He didn’t think it was interesting to say how he felt out loud, or cry at what he supposes is an appropriate moment. People that were close to him understood the way he shows affection and gratitude. 

Like Merle and Magnus for example, they knew when Taako called them morons or said some shitty one liner in a fight while blasting away a threat, he was saying ‘I love you, of course I’m going to save you’. Or when Davenport asked for his assistance in something even though bitching about it immediately followed he knew Taako was saying, ‘yes of course I’m going to help you’. Lucretia would often spend time with Taako showing him drawings of plant life or other creatures they came across in the planes. When he would scoff and say ‘what’s even the point of writing all this shit down? Who’s going to read it?’ he was saying ‘I’m worried we’re not going to get out of this alive’. If Barry wanted his opinion on something Taako would say something along the lines of ‘about time you asked a  _ real _ genius what he thinks’ but what Barry heard was ‘I’m really happy to be a part of this’. But for Lup, in all ways, it was different.

There was no double meaning to figure out because Taako just straight up told her how he felt. He’d lay it all out for her no holding back. Because that’s the way it had always been for them, they were two sides of the same coin and knew so much about the other they were practically the same person. Except, of course, they weren’t. And they would fight anyone who said otherwise.

That’s why after the day of Story and Song she began to worry about Taako. He started to pull away from her. Not in a physical sense because they  _ lived _ together and when she wasn’t bounty hunting and he wasn’t at his school they were attached at the hip. Cooking for whatever family members decided to show up on that day. Today, it was Magnus and Dav.

She watched as Taako stirred the pasta in the pot much longer than he needed to be. She could hear Magnus’ howling laugh from the other room followed by Dav and Barry’s, too. Kravitz was probably out there as well but he was much quieter than the rest of her family was, simply enjoying their company. Happy to watch as they easily fall into sync together she supposes it was interesting to watch from the outside. But from the inside, at least to her, something was off. And that something was her brother who hasn’t said one single word to her or thrown back an insult in awhile.

“Taako,” she said again. He hummed and looked up from the pasta his eyebrow arched.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“I’m cooking dinner? You feeling, alright?” he asked. He pressed the back of his hand to her forehead and she slapped it away.

“I’m dead, can’t get sick. Stop trying to change the subject. What’s going on? And don’t say nothing because I’m going to get annoyed real fast by this back and forth bullshit. So cut right to it,” she said.

“You’re bossy today. Has it been too long since a bounty? Do I need to get Kravitz to find you guys some extra credit for The Raven Queen?” he asked. He went back to stirring his pasta having no interest in this conversation whatsoever.

Lup hopped off of the counter where she was sat and grabbed the spoon out of Taako’s hand. She pushed him away from the stove and slammed the spoon on the counter.

“I said I wasn’t fucking around and I’m serious.  _ What is going on with you? _ ” she asked.

He looked surprised at the sudden change of the atmosphere around them. The bubbling conversation outside of the kitchen was still moving steadily. But in here, it was ice cold. Lup crossed her arms in front of her chest and waited impatiently for him to speak.

“It’s not that big of a deal, okay?” he said. She rolled her eyes.

“Of course it’s a big deal. You’ve been acting strange since that day.”

Everyone around them called it Story and Song. None of them ever did. It was always just  _ that day _ because nothing else had meaning to them. A one hundred year journey came to an end on  _ that day _ and that was the end of it.

“If you really insist on not talking about it with me that’s fine. I’ll start the conversation then. You need to go and talk to her. Let her have a chance to apologize to you in a way I’m sure she’s practiced over a million times,” she said. He knew who she was talking about. There was no one else on this planet that it could be.

He laughed. It was a hollow and rightly so. It reverberated through the empty shell he felt like he was left with. One where a soul filled to the brim with happiness, and joy, and mischievousness, and a century worth of time with his family. It felt empty now. Sure, he had Lup and he had Kravitz and Merle and Magnus and Barry and Davenport and Angus. But he didn’t have Lucretia at least not as he knew her. That left the hole in his soul open, aching, and growing.

It encapsulated him and tore through him just as The Hunger did to all those realities they failed to save. The realities that made them grow older, wiser, stronger, fearless, closer. All things that they went through together a bond so tight, so  _ beautiful _ it couldn’t be captured in words. It felt like golden honey dripping into a jar. Like warm sunshine after a break in a sky full of storms. A restful night’s sleep after a good and well deserved cry. Their bond and their love for each other was so strong and so large you’d  _ need _ a century to understand it. But as Lucretia proved, it was a bond so easily broken. And for Taako it was beyond repair.

Losing his sister was one thing, but forgetting her existence altogether was so much worse. He lived almost an entire decade without remembering her. Even worse, that entire time he had the ability to let her out if Lucretia had kept his memories. The moment Lup had reached out to him he would have known what to do. Hell, maybe he and Barry would have figured it out before Lup even had the strength to reach out to him. Losing her was a pain that dug so deep at his heart he thought he would drop dead right there from his grief. But forgetting her altogether? And having Lucretia be the only soul on the planet besides Barry in lich form to remember her? She didn’t have the right. If anyone deserved to bear the burden of that grief it was he and Barry.

“An apology isn’t enough.  _ Lup, _ nothing is ever going to be enough. Do you even understand what happened to me? Everything I knew about the world and what happened to us was  _ gone _ . One hundred years, Lup. Just because she didn’t want us to fucking tell her  _ no. _ I would never do something like that to her,  _ you _ would never do something like that to her. Am I the only one here who doesn’t see how fucked up this all is?” he asked. He was crying, now. It was something he did often but only by himself. To be fair the only people who have  _ ever  _ seen him cry like this are Lup and Kravitz and he’d be damned if anyone else did. So, as Lup spoke he tried to pull his composure back in hopes no one would waltz into the kitchen and see this scene unfolding. Surely not being able to keep their mouth shut and wondering how they could help too.

“Darling, I know that pain. I know that heartache.  _ I understand.  _ We all went through it, some worse than others and that includes her too. She is our friend, she is our family, she is so much more than what anything I can describe. That hurt you feel in your heart? That dull ache that crawls it’s way up your throat and makes you  _ sob _ because you can’t hold it back? That’s not anger. It may feel like it at the surface but it’s not. It disappointment, it’s sadness, it’s a broken heart.

You don’t hate her, of course you don’t. You’ve spent far too long with her to ever hate her. You miss her, and you’ve missed her for a decade without even knowing it. You’ve missed us all and it’s tearing you apart, Taako! We’re not going anywhere you know that right? Like, I know you’re waiting for the next thing to happen but this is it. We’re here at the next thing. And it’s fucking sick isn’t it? You’ve got a killer boyfriend, your sister is an undead freak, and your family is  _ safe. _ No more running for us, no more waiting for our demise. We did it, Taako. We saved everyone  _ with Lucretia’s help, _ ” she made sure to tack that last ‘p’ with a sharp pop on her lips. Taako stilled. Tears still falling down is face.

“You're not allowed to tell me how I feel,” he said. She reached out and grasped his hand in hers linking their fingers together.

“Babe, I'm not. I can just look at you and  _ know. _ You know, twin telepathy and all that shit? Not to mention over a... uh,  _ fucking century _ dealing with your stubborn ass? Sometimes you're so stubborn even you don't even know how you feel,” she said.

She was right. He wanted that dull ache to be anger so badly because he was too stubborn to even think of the word forgiveness. Lucretia did what she thought was her only option and when faced with the apocalypse how  _ could _ he blame her? She was tired of running, too. They all were and when they had literally nothing else they could think of to do she did what she knew she could. Still, Taako lost so much because of her.

_ But you got it all back. _ The voice in the back of his head crashed through and brought the thought to the forefront of his brain. It chimed clearly in his head and that hole inside of himself closed a little. He sighed and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“I’ll  _ talk to her. _ That’s it. That’s all I’m promising,” he said. Lup put her arms around him and hugged him tightly. He returned it and squeezed back just as hard. Her body around his was familiar and safe and everything he needed. He did get it all back, even the most important piece of the puzzle.

When she pulled away she stood on her toes and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. He was happy that through all of this, even with Lup being a lich and employed by The Raven Queen he still got these moments with her. After almost a decade of not having these moments they had a lot of making up to do.

* * *

 

He was pacing back and forth in front of the park bench he was supposed to be sitting at. He bit at his nails and spun some of the bracelets that were on his wrists and  _ gods _ why was he so nervous? This was fucking ridiculous. He knew exactly how this conversation was going to go. She’d try to apologize, he would tell her that nothing she would say is ever going to fix this, and then that would be the end of it.

He’d tell Lup that he tried his best and that sometimes some bonds are meant to be broken. Or some shit like that. He’s sure she’d eat that right up. But then that voice in his head that’s now becoming  _ increasingly _ annoying is telling him that’s bullshit and she’ll just make them try again.

He was sure that she saw him before he saw her. Which, good for her it gave her time to compose herself and have a warm but very clearly half hearted smile on her face. He didn’t return it. She walked closer to him until she was right next to the bench, both of them stood in front of it.

“Hi, Taako,” she said.

“Yeah, hi,” he replied. His fingers were still tangling themselves in his bracelets. She sat down on the bench and waited patiently for him to join her. When he didn’t she spoke up.

“Care for a seat?” she asked. He sighed and pulled his hand away from his bracelets. He landed on the bench with a thud. His feet dramatically went up into the air and slammed down into the pavement underneath. He didn’t look at her, just kept his eyes down intently staring at a pebble near his shoe.

In every sense of the word it should have been awkward sitting next to her. It should have been awful, and uncomfortable, and he should have had the feeling of sprinting at full speed away from this bench. And those feelings weren’t necessarily not there? They were just muted a little because in that moment when they were sitting next to each other. A closeness radiating between them that they haven’t felt since well before he lost his memories was present. That sudden change in his mind threw him for a loop, he hadn’t felt like that in so long. He was  _ pissed _ because he didn’t deserve to feel that. He channeled that anger toward her almost immediately.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting to get out of this conversation but it’s probably not going to go the way you want so don’t get your fuckin’ hopes up,” he said.

“I didn’t come into this with any expectations, Taako. You said you wanted to talk so I’m here to talk. What  _ do _ you want to talk about?” she asked. He looked up at her then still angry as ever. He half expected her to look just as upset as he felt but she didn’t. It wasn’t like how she presented herself as the director, it was Lucretia in front of him. The woman who recorded all their adventures and sat quietly listening to whatever was being said.

“Is that a joke?” he asked. She sighed then her facade finally melting away and there it was. The same sunken eyes and falling face he’d grown accustomed to over the years. Grief of worlds destroyed hanging over her head and becoming too much to bear witness to.

“I suppose we could just get right to the elephant in the room,” she said. She was about to continue going but Taako spoke up before she could.

“I don’t want you to apologize,” he said. She closed her mouth. Her teeth clicking audibly. It took her a moment to say anything but their eyes stayed locked on each other. Each of them at this point too scared to look away in fear the other will run and this conversation would be over before it began. Taako half expected it to be.

“I wasn’t going to apologize,” she said. His mouth fell open almost completely involuntarily. She wasn’t going to apologize? Is she fucking crazy? She must have sensed Taako’s confusion or been in his head because she spoke quickly. “Let me explain. I’m not going to apologize  _ again _ because I’ve done it before and it would be pointless. You already know how sorry I am, you already know how much I mean it. From there there’s nothing else I can do,” she said.

“So what? That’s it? Hi, Taako I’m not here to apologize but forgive me anyways?” he asked. Anger started to ripple through him even more violently now. He was about three seconds from just blinking away. High tailing it to the ethereal plane and kicking it there until Lucretia gave up and left. But he kept himself still, eyes still locked on hers, and let her finish.

“No. I came to tell you how much I love you,” she said. Yeah, that he definitely wasn’t expecting.

“What?” he asked. The anger broke. It shattered at the words and left him reeling. She loved him, of course she did. He knew that and he always has but it’s been  _ so long _ since he heard it. “I know it’s difficult for you to deal with your emotions outward and that’s fine. I’m not looking for you to say it back or anything like that. I’m not really even looking for your forgiveness anymore I guess. Although, I would love to have it. Lup told me about how much you’re struggling. I know you’re going to try to say your not and that you’re fine and whatever but I know that’s not true and you know that’s not true,” she said.

“You know, I’m getting really sick and tired of everyone else around me telling me how I feel,” he replied.

“The only reason I know is because I feel the same way. You don’t think I don’t miss your presence around me? Your bubbly ‘I don’t give a shit about anything’ attitude? Taako, I miss you  _ so much _ and ruining this relationship with you is my cross to bear. But we’ve tried to be separated, we’ve tried not talking to each other and letting this just be something that ends. I don’t know about you but I’m not getting any better. In most cases I’m feeling worse. I ask about you all the time, you know. Everytime Lup walks into the Bureau after we get our hugs out of the way I ask about you. It’s always the same. That you’re loving living with her and Barry and Kravitz. Enjoying your time creating a school and teaching kids everything there is to know about magic. But it’s been changing. Lup hasn’t been able to tell me what’s been going on with you because even she doesn’t know. That’s a problem, Taako. If you’re not even talking to your sister about what’s going on then I know you’re feeling the same way I am,” she said. Her eyes were beginning to moisten and tears threatened to spill. If Taako knew anything about Lucretia it’s that she wouldn’t let herself be vulnerable unless she was being sincere.

“I can’t talk to her because I don’t know how to anymore,” he began. He shifted uncomfortably on the bench and finally tore his gaze from Lucretia. He looked out at the trees around them that softly swayed in the wind. His fingers immediately went back to playing with his bracelets as he spoke. “When you took my memories away I was a completely different person. Lup was such a huge part of my life,  _ you guys _ were such a huge part of how I shaped myself that when it was gone I didn’t know who I was. There was always this feeling inside of me that something was wrong, I know now that it was because of what happened, but at the time I thought it was  _ me. _ I thought I was the thing that was wrong and it tore me apart. And then when our memories were restored it was like these two personalities were fighting for who gets to be the star of the show and I fought it for a long time. I tried to understand and work my way through it and figure out who I am. But I got tired, Lucretia. I got so fuckin’ tired of fighting with myself and caring that I just stopped.”

Lucretia stirred next to him. It took her awhile to answer him and he was okay with that. It felt good getting that out in the open finally. Even if she never brought it up again and those words were lost in the wind around them that was okay too.

“Isolation is such a deadly force, Taako. If I know anything about you, about  _ us, _ about our family… it’s that we can’t be isolated. When I did what I did, when I took everything from you, I isolated myself again. Just like I was forced into that year with the judges. That was the only thing I could think of that would make things right again. And I couldn’t have been more wrong. Because in the end, what got us through that, was being together. Loving each other so much that we laid our lives on the lines over and over and over again especially at the time when it mattered the most. I don’t want to be isolated from you anymore, Taako. You don’t have to forgive me for what I’ve done. I know I don’t deserve that. But you deserve to heal and so do I. We’ve lived a very long time and you’re going to live even longer than I am now. I love you with all of my heart, all of my being. We deserve to be happy.”

Taako looked up at her. She was crying now. Her voice cracked at the end of her sentence and he just  _ knew _ she was losing it. He was attuned to the sound of her crying and it had been so long since he heard it. He began to cry too.

In what would be a moment they both would always remember, but never talk about, Taako threw himself at Lucretia and wrapped his arms tightly around her. A light and warm feeling flooded it’s way through him and that emptiness he felt before began to fill up. It was there and he knew it would be for awhile, maybe even for the rest of his life. But for the first time in such a very, very long time he felt something again.

That same feeling that couldn’t be explained by words but he tried to work through it in his head anyways. The feeling that he pretended he was too cool to have. The feeling he dismissed but everyone in his family knew he felt. The one that was an unspoken hush between the seven of them. Like a secret only they knew about. A bond so tight it never truly could be broken.


End file.
